Scary!*

* not actually.


Airplanes fascinate me to no end. Not in a little six-year-old boy cars and trucks and models kind of way, but rather in a way that makes you really appreciate human accomplishment: high volume, long distance transportation via air is arguably one of the most extraordinary accomplishments of human kind. I do this anachronistic mind exercise where I imagine what someone from each time period would think of a situation or contraption. I find it helps me appreciate what we have here and now, and not to take any of our modern-day conveniences for granted, and it also emphasizes that we live in the ‘futuristic’ world envisioned in previous decades. No experience highlights this future quite like being on a plane. (Other emulations include taking the escalator in the new Holt & Renfrew in downtown Vancouver and also the simple experience of gazing at a city from a distance)

Anyway, being in an airplane never goes underappreciated by me, but I also think it’s a little scary (and by a little, I mean a LOT). When everyone is seated and the little instructional video comes on explaining what to do in case of an emergency, I can’t help but think that most passengers won’t be able to recall any of the instructions from the cool-spoken, calm and graceful demonstrations when (if…) a disaster or emergency occurs in-flight. When the video started up on my last flight it was the third time I’d heard it in just as many days, so I tuned out to my own little world.

“Yeah yeah… oxygen masks, life vests under the seat. Piece of cake. Got it.… hmm… if something were to actually happen, let’s say we crash land in the middle of cold, desolate Saskatchewan or a deserted island or something… which fellow passengers would I want to be stuck with? That guy over there looks pretty cute. Cute doesn’t necessarily go hand in hand with competence though…. And…Oh.No.He.Isn’t… he’s not actually going to- NO! He’s picking his nose on the plane. Ewwwwwww… cross him off my Competent People-To-Be-Stuck-With list. The woman on my left has a trendy haircut and is noshing gum while flipping through a French fashion magazine. The pink high-heels scream high maintenance. Nuh-uh. She doesn’t make the cut. Well, maybe she’s pretty resourceful, who knows? Guy at the window beside me looks like he’s too dependent on his blackberry to know how to build a fire in an emergency. Plus he cursed under his breath when they asked him to take out his headphones. Way too technology dependent and high strung. He might even panic at the sight of blood. Probably wouldn’t survive if our plane crashed anyway… don’t the window seats have the lowest chance of survival? Or maybe it’s the seats at the front of the plane… shit… remember to look up the stats online before you book your next flight. Wait, we’re near the wings. Not good, not good!!! …The dude and girl over there look pretty down-to-earth. Wait what’s that on her shoulder? A tattoo of a duck?! Who gets a tattoo of a duck on their shoulder? And who dates someone with a tattoo of a duck? They’re both off my list. Umm… soooo… now there’s no one on your list. Panic! No wait why are you panicking? The plane isn’t crashing. Just calm down. You’d probably die if the plane crashed anyway and that would solve the problem of whoever you are stuck with. Whew. Okay. Relax. All good… and who are you to judge competence anyway? The announcement is over. Good job, Kimi, you completely missed it! Where’s the nearest emergency exit…it would help to know these things, you know. What if the plane crashes and you have to crawl out of the burning cabin? You should have been paying attention! Now you’re one of those incompetent people that no one wants to be stuck on a deserted island with. I wouldn’t want to be stuck on an island with you. Try and look smart at least…What was that Will Roger’s quotation that Mom said to you last week when you wanted to get intelligent looking reading glasses?... Oh yeah, I think it was ‘You do look smart, Kimi. Just don’t open your mouth.’”